Sunday, June 26, 2005

"The News"

Who doesn't love the news? I love the end of the day when Christopher and I cuddle up close, and watch Debra Norville report the day's happenings. It's always a little alarming to think of what I might have missed had I just stuck to FoxNews, MSNBC, CNN, or the Drudge Report. For those of you who miss Inside Edition, lemme give you the rundown.

First of all, Topher and I are always a little suspicious about Debbie's adam apple. I don't like going around starting internet rumors, but it has been a hot topic around the Clark Family. She's a beautiful gal, but we do see her bop-bop-boppin' along as she exposes the horrors of fast-food kitchens, plastic surgery gone wrong, or a good old-fashioned kitten stuck in a tree.

Which leads me to my next topic: Debbie's hard-hitting journalism. I don't know if any of you know this, but Debra's willing to do just about anything to get the scoop. My favorite story of all time is when Ms. Norville went inside a female prison for three whole days. We were with her as they confiscated her personal possessions and forced her (with her prior consent, of course) to wear an unflattering jumpsuit. We were there, with nightvision, as she tossed and turned on her lumpy mattress with NO PILLOW night after night. We were there with her as a guard told her she "missed a spot" while mopping; we felt her fear as she, too, jumped in fright at the comment. We were there when, seconds after the "prison mopping incident," she interviewed the guard as to why she made such a comment. We were there when the guard said, "Well, you missed a spot." And, finally, we were there when she saw the light of day and booked it on down to the nearest Wendy's. That's when I knew we were kindred spirits, because that's just what I did when I made it onto American soil after a year in England: I went right on over to Wendy's for a #1 with cheese, no pickle. Now we're connected for life.

Debbie used to be on the Today show, for like a week, and she got really bad ratings because everyone missed the old blonde reporting the news, so they kicked her off and Inside Edition's been her bread and butter ever since. I feel kind of sorry for her because that must have been embarrassing. I mean, how do they explain to you that you're not the right blonde to report the news because the American people liked the last blonde, who left of her own decision, more than you? It's a tough ratings-minded world out there and I just want to show my support to Debra EVEN THOUGH she messes up all the time and never reshoots. I'm always screaming at the tv, "It's not LIVE TV, Debra! Do another take! It won't kill you!" She messes up all the time, even on a 2 sentence intro, and she won't redo it. It kills me! I can just see her rolling her eyes between takes, taking a drag of her ciggy with the make-up lady, saying, "Well, it's not like it's the friggin' TODAY SHOW!" (Debbie wouldn't swear) Which makes me feel bad for the adam's apple remark. Just ignore that.

One thing Inside Edition does that bothers me and Topher to no end is that they recycle stories. They'll have a new story about a lip-gloss that makes you lose weight or a kangaroo who walks on stilts, and they'll try to sneak in a story we've already seen about a car who drove itself on a wild police chase. They must think we don't watch every night, or don't watch closely which goes to show that Debra is, once again, underestimating her audience.

So if you're up late at night and you've been out of touch with the world, click on over to Inside Edition, channel 4, 11:30ish/12 ish some nights (it's right after Access Hollywood), and watch Debra Norville, she could really use the support.


Stephanie Aurora Clark Nielson said...

i saw that one, when she went into the prison, no make-up, just deb. i think she cried at one point because everything was so scary, or something like that and it made SO dramatic...perfect!

christopher clark said...

I loved how when she went to prison she became the prison Pollyanna. She made friends with EVERYONE and didn't JUDGE ANYBODY. Lisa does a really good impression of Deb in prison.

The worst story that they keep repeating is about these pregnant ladies who eat the same eggplant lasagna and then go into labor. Even if that eggplant lasagna induces labor - which they have no proof for - what's the big deal? I HATE THAT STORY.

lisa v. clark said...

Yes, she was quite dramatic. My Debra Norville Prison scene is my very favorite dramatic monologue (or at least ties with my Marie Osmond in Chick-fil-A scene). Thanks for acknowledging my work. One thing I've learned is that illegal name-brand purses are a MAJOR problem in the United States. Aids gets all the attention. . .

Bek said...


It is so good to have you in the world of blog. I miss talking to you everyday and this is a good way to keep up.

Glad Disneyland was fun. Hell yes you should cut the line. That is you repayment for everyone on earth trying to get free tickets to James' shows. :-)

Josh said...

Lovely blog Lisa. My real question is why are the words make-up and lip gloss highlighted? And did you know when you click on them they take you to some lovely sights that sell make-up and lip gloss? Do these advertisers really think that as I read your blog about Debbie that I am going to think, "Well, I can imagine how hard it must have been for her to be in prison with no make-up. I'm going to buy some for myself RIGHT NOW!"
Anyway, it was a joy to read. One of these days I'll get around to writing my second blog.

AzĂșcar said...

I hope that someday Inside Edition will join forces with Celebrity Justice (ala NBC/CourtTV) for a hard-hitting piece on Halle Berry's community service after that car accident.

Or maybe Debbie can give us a little more insight into why, say, Matthew Perry is fighting a traffic ticket he was given for an expired meter on Melrose? That's stuff I need to know about! What if I'm in LA and I need to park on Melrose? Will his example as profiled in the IE/CJ help me to avoid the same fate?

You can have your Frontlines and Nightlines, your Jim Lehrer News Hours, I'll just stick to Debbie.

Teresa said...

Hi--you don't know me, and I don't know you. I don't know your husband and you don't know mine, but my husband, Otto, knows your husband. So I feel like we are old friends!
I stayed up late the other night (tough when you have a newborn and are sleep deprived) to watch Inside Edition and see what all the hub ub is. I gotta tell ya though, Debra Norville's Adam's apple has nothing on Hope Woodside's (Fox 13 news).

Kelley H. said...

So I find out that YOU now have blog, and Mr. Christopher Clark never said a word about it. Just imagine: Christopher Clark is so wrapped up in his own brilliant thoughts that he fails to mention, "Oh yea, and my wife has a blog too."


Lorien said...

I'm afraid I can't comment on Debra Norville because Guy and I get our news from John Stewart. But I am intrigued. I might branch out...

fragitta said...

okay, okay...i'm going to watch IE tongight...sheesh... the effect you and chris have on people! are they your fans? your underlings? the Clark Groupies? your girls-Friday?
maybe alot of them are that's nice.
i might sound jealous. i've had to resend the same email times to get any responses to my blog.
I'll just pout whilst i lounge in my hammock, eating an AC number 6, watching IE, wearing my "todo", making fun of all the Clarken Subordinates.

lisa v. clark said...

Teresa: I feel like we're old pals--sleep deprived with four kids, too?! It's like we're sisters.

Hope Woodside scares me because she's so intense. She never fumbles up her lines (she must be type A), and I'm sure she keeps Bob Evans on a short leash. We all know who runs that show.

Now Katie Couric: where'd her lips go? Maybe her make-up artist should reconsider fushia. It only draws unneeded attention. . . (and Josh, NO I didn't know I was shamelessly promoting lipstick and makeup--I feel so used, although, if ANYONE should promote LIPSTICK it should be me. I do carry at least three tubes with me at all times)